Realization
by ChopStix
Summary: Shinji is faced with internal conflict whic lead asuka to realize....


Realization  
  
Asuka Langely Sorhyu walked into class 2-A a few minutes before the bell, as usual. She walked over to Shinji to begin her daily teasing. But she realized that he wasn't there, he must have trailed off somewhere during the walk to school. Asuka sat down slowly and thought "What has baka-Shinji gotten himself into this time? He is going to be late!" However, Shinji never showed up.  
  
Asuka walked home at the end of the day wondering why Shinji wasn't in class. "I bet he skipped school," she thought, "Why does he have to skip school today, I bet is was because we had a math test!."  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Shinji Ikari made his way along a narrow alleyway, somewhere in the outskirts of Tokyo-3. He heard the constant drone of the cicadas as he finally reached the end of the city. Shinji looked out as the endless expanse of field, and then to his right where his eyes met a towering cliff. Memories whipped through his head. an image of his Eva, Asuka in Unit 02 yelling. Asuka falling into the hot abyss of lava. the first day they met, on the barge carrying Unit 02. the night he had tried to kiss her.and then his mind started in on what he had done on his last birthday. He closed his eyes and let the memories consume his mind. "Am I going crazy?" he thought, unable to keep the possibility out of his mind. The nerves in his brain pulsed with deep thought, while deep down inside, he felt the first of the tears begin to trickle down his cheek and fall into the grass. Each tear brought more pain, His face was now soaked and he was lying on the ground. "I mustn't run away." Shinji whispered weakly.  
  
Shinji wandered for an hour, thoughtless and void, until he came to the edge of the cliff. "I MUSN'T RUN AWAY!!" he yelled over the side of the cliff. A thousand tiny voices called in reply as he listened to his desperate shout reverberate off the rock walls.  
  
  
  
Asuka was just finishing her favorite soap opera when she heard Misato's loud entry. "I'M HOME!" she yelled, a little too loudly. Asuka picked up the remote and turned the T.V. off. She lay down on the couch, dreading whatever Misato had planned for dinner. "Where's Shinji?" Misato called with a twinge of concern in her voice.  
  
"I don't know," Asuka yelled back, "He wasn't at school today." The shoji screen muffled most of Misato's remarks, but the ones Asuka caught were a bit vulgar. Misato was somehow capable of memorizing all of those words, Asuka recognized a few in German before Misato finished.  
  
Asuka just about took off running when she saw the look on Misato's face as she slowly entered the room. Later Asuka decided that might have been the smart thing to do, but she stayed put. "And why didn't you call me earlier?." Misato said in a low and dangerous voice. "Shinji wouldn't just skip school for no reason you know, how could you not realize that?!." Misato questioned, not expecting an answer. "Uhh." Asuka managed to stammer before Misato threw on her coat and was out of the door. Asuka blinked, "What was THAT all about?" she wondered aloud. Shortly noticing Pen-Pen creeping his way to his fridge with a beer.  
  
  
  
Shinji watched trees whiz past the high-speed train. In the distance he saw a lake and a small park. There was no one else on the train, there usually wasn't on such early mornings.  
  
Dark circles had formed under Shinji's eyes from lack of sleep, but he didn't care. He could go a hundred days without sleeping if he could just get away from NERV and his father. Shinji knew he couldn't though, the world needed him. He too would die at some point if he ran away, probably due to the third impact. He winced to think that Asuka-chan and Misato would also be engulfed by this horrible fate.  
  
The train stopped at the station and Shinji, hardly even realizing his own actions, descended the steps leading to the road below. Before Shinji knew it he was in front of his apartment door, staring at the small plaque that read 'Misato Katsuragi.' I must do this, I must go in." he thought as he opened the door and walked cautiously forward. Shinji headed straight to his room, careful not to make the slightest sound. He flopped down on his bed and fell into a light, disturbing sleep.  
  
Shinji saw Asuka and then Misato, they were walking away from him. He tried desperately to pursue Asuka, but the closer he got, the further away she seemed. It was like walking towards a mountain, the mountain appears right in front of you, and yet you never seem to reach it. After a time he gave up and turned around to see his father, staring coldly at him. "We will reconfigure Unit 01 for Rei." Gendou stated simply as he turned around and disappeared into blackness.  
  
Shinji sat, unable to move in that horrible black place for what seemed like eternity.  
  
And then it was all over. He suddenly woke up with a jolt and found himself lying on his futon in his room. Light was pouring in his small window, indicating that is was sometime in the evening.  
  
Shinji sat there, staring at the ceiling for an hour before he got out of bed.  
  
When Shinji finally walked into the kitchen Misato was sitting at the table with an open beer in her hand. She looked up as she heard him walk in. Shinji just stood there and looked deep into Misato's eyes. Misato returned the look as tears ran down her face. She was almost crushed under the weight of Shinji's blank stare, it was almost exactly like commander Ikari's. After a while of standing, Shinji continued into the kitchen, ate whatever he could find and left for school, not even bothering to change his clothes.  
  
The class was buzzing that morning, but when Shinji walked in, everyone feel suddenly silent. Shinji staggered to his desk and sat down. "Why did I come to school?" he asked himself. ".Because I have nowhere else to go." Shinji answered. Asuka was already taunting him, but Shinji hardly noticed. He seemed very intent on looking at the small smudge on his blank LCD screen.  
  
"BAKA!!! DO YOU EVEN HEAR ME!!!" Asuka yelled; the class went silent. Shinji slowly turned his head toward her, looking into her radiant blue eyes for a minute. He then got up slowly and left the classroom, unsure of where he would go from there. "Why don't I just slap her when she taunts me like that?" he thought as he left the classroom. "There's something."  
  
Asuka was dumbfounded as Shinji got up and left. What left her more surprised... and almost disturbed, was the look in Shinji's eyes as he left. It's was cold and black. But there was something else. A look of sadness, sadness of a hundred people, all packed into Shinji's mind. What had made him so sad? Was it her, Asuka Langely Sorhyu? What could she have done to make him sad? All of her teasing couldn't have done that. "That damn baka-Shinji." She thought hopelessly to herself. "Why does he have to be so hard to understand."  
  
It was like Shinji's mind was frozen, all he could think about was how Asuka's pokes and jeers. When he got home he got out his cello and began to play. Somber but beautiful notes filled his ears and he let himself be engulfed by them. All of his worries drained away as his fingers moved across the strings and he pulled the bow back and fourth.  
  
When Asuka came home, all she heard was the sad music resonating away behind Shinji's door. The notes of this unrecognizable song made her heart feel heavy. "Is that. Shinji playing?" she whispered to herself. Asuka took a few steps closer to Shinji's room, now completely hypnotized by the lovely sound. She wasn't quite sure what happened that moment when she saw Shinji, sitting on the edge of his bed, pulling the bow of his cello across the strings. Suddenly she had to fight the urge to go and kiss him, comfort him, and make all of his awful memories go away. A tear escaped her eyes and fell to the floor along with a hundred others.  
  
Asuka went into her own room, fell down onto her bed and cried. For almost an hour she sat there, unable to move as she tried to classify the mixed feelings swirling in her head. A realization hit Asuka that evening as she sat in her warm bed. She suddenly realized how odd it was that, after all of the mockery, joking and teasing she had made Shinji endure, he had never said a word. NOT ONCE had he ever complained. "Does. Does he love me?" Unable to keep the idea from plant itself in her mind. That was the only reason Asuka could formulate before she heard the unmistakable entrance of Misato. "I'm home!" Misato yelled, Asuka could hear Shinji's cello stop. Asuka did her best to wipe her eyes out on her sheets, and then rushed into the bathroom to wash her face.  
  
"Hello Misato-san!" she said with all the wit she could muster. "Have a fun date with Kaji-kun?" Asuka knew if she could tease Misato, she wouldn't notice something was wrong. It worked like a charm, Misato's face turned bright red. "HOW DID YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS?!" Misato yelled with a little more volume then was necessary. "By that dreamy look on your face." Asuka quickly retorted. "WHAT!" was the only come-back Misato could muster.  
  
Both women were silenced however by the sudden presence of Shinji. He looked much better then he had, though he still looked like he needed sleep. "Ohayo." Shinji said as he went into the kitchen to make breakfast. "Ohayo." both women replied in unison, though they were both confused for the fact that it was the evening. "He must not know what time of day it is." Misato leaned over and whispered in her ear. This was obvious as Shinji made breakfast for everyone, including Pen-Pen, who was also a bit confused. He sat down and began to eat in silence. Asuka and Misato couldn't help but stare at the poor boy.  
  
When breakfast was finished, Shinji took his plate over, only then realizing that either Misato or Asuka had even touched theirs. "Didn't you like it?" he asked. "It's not that." Misato said before Asuka could say anything. "It's just that it's 7:00 P.M. and we usually don't have breakfast at this time of day." Shinji turned a lovely shade of crimson. "Gomen." he muttered as he took the plates away. Out of routine, Shinji got up and took a shower.  
  
The moment they heard the bath water flowing the two women burst into conversation. "Do you think he's going to be okay?" Asuka said, accidentally sounding a little too worried. ". That boy always surprises me." Misato said wonderingly. They both stared at the closed bathroom door for a few seconds before Misato got up and grabbed a beer out of the fridge.  
  
Asuka's mind was racing. "What if Shinji isn't going to be okay?" she thought hopelessly. "What would that mean to me?"  
  
Shinji sat on his futon, staring at the grey wall in front of him. His mind was thoughtless for the first time in days. He carefully studied every crevice and every line on the wall, as if it could give him some deep meaning. Misato peeked through the crack in the door, with a worried look she turned away.  
  
Misato was about to go and grab another beer when she heard a muffled thud. "Oh god." she thought as she rushed into Shinji's room, unsure of what she would find. When she slid open the screen, she found Shinji's shape, crumpled on the floor. Misato reached into her pocket and flipped open her cell phone, quickly dialing NERV.  
  
The NERV personnel arrived immediately, placing Shinji tentatively on the stretcher. All Misato could do was stand and watch helplessly as they loaded it into the back of the ambulance. Asuka observed the scene silently from the balcony, and pen-pen swore he saw a tear fall to the cement.  
  
Misato decided not to ask when Asuka grabbed her coat and left the apartment. It was something she had considered but couldn't bring herself to do. "How much longer do you think we'll last?" Misato asked the air. Pen- Pen answered with his usual "WAUGH!" Asuka found herself looking at the small door of the NERV hospital. With thoughts passing through her head, she stepping in. She saw Shinji lying on one of the hospital bed, unconscious. She approached the bed, unsure if she should even be there. Quickly glancing around vacantly to see if there were any doctors in the room.  
  
"How did I end up here?" Asuka wondered, though she already knew the answer. This unknown feeling had been building inside her ever since that moment when she saw Shinji playing his cello. Her mind just wouldn't accept that feeling for what it was: love. In a split second, she came to this startling truth, she almost screamed in anguish as she realized who was sitting in the hospital bed.  
  
  
  
Things weren't nearly as simple in Shinji's mind at that moment however; he was fighting with his inner thoughts. Shinji's mind told him he loved Asuka, but his other self was trying to persuade him otherwise. "Look at what happened to everyone else you loved." The voice, identical to his own, mused. "Your mother; killed by eva. Your father; ruined by your mother's death. And there has been no one else that has become close to you other then them. But they are your parents, it's their job to love you right?" Shinji was beginning to believe this tiny voice inside his mind, and it became a booming, prominent voice the more he was persuaded.  
  
Still unable to completely give up his argument, Shinji retorted weakly "There have been others!!." "Who?" was the immediate answer. "Misato. and." Shinji stuttered. "That only further proves my point" said the voice.  
  
And that end today's chapter! Hopefully for all you Eva fans like me, you can see where this is going, if not, look for the next chapter of my fic, which should be out sometime next week (10/27-31/02) Thank you for reading!  
  
-ChopStix. 


End file.
